You want to see your child. It’s natural and normal for you to feel that way. For your child, it might not be so straightforward. You’re the adult and the parent, so no matter what’s happened, no matter what the reasons are for the lack of contact, no matter who or what you think is to blame for this, you have to be able to put all this aside and do what’s best for your child, so it’s worth reading this page first to see if you are really ready to do that. If not, you might need to wait for a while.
Maybe you haven’t seen your child for a few years – because of a messy divorce, because the court decided it wasn’t in the child’s best interests, for some other reason. Perhaps you moved away, or were in prison, or work took you abroad or far from your child. In these cases, children may feel that you couldn’t make time for them when they needed you and now they have learnt to cope without you, they won’t be in a hurry to let you back in their lives. There is more information about what this situation might mean for children on LINK.
Maybe you have never met your child – perhaps you didn’t know your child existed, perhaps you weren’t able to be in your child’s life at the time, maybe you were too young and scared of the responsibility, maybe the courts decided it wasn’t in your child’s best interests. They may have no wish to meet you; perhaps they have another dad figure in their lives. There is more information about what this situation might mean for children on LINK.
Maybe you have been involved with domestic violence. In this case, your parent and/or children might not feel safe to be around you or didn’t for a long time. The good news is that most women, even after violence, DO want their children to know their dad and for the dad to be involved regularly, provided it is SAFE for all of them, including her. You might have to do some work to convince everyone that it is safe and they might take a long time to believe you. You will just have to be patient and carry on doing the things you need to do to change your old ways. Just because you think you have changed, you can’t expect everyone else to feel the same way. There is more information about what this situation might mean for children on LINK.
If you want to be in your child’s life again, that’s great. It probably won’t be quick and it almost certainly won’t be easy. You may have to do a lot of work. You might have to spend months or years building things up in stages. You may get frustrated and there won’t be much you can do about this. In the worst situations you might find you have to go to court or deal with social workers in Children’s Services and talk to all sorts of people or hire a solicitor. For your child’s sake, think about what you are taking on – if you start off and then decide it is all too much, you risk letting your child down badly and probably for the second time, or at least it will feel that way to them. Take time to read all the information on Dads' Space first. It’s worth it, because being a good dad to your children is one of the best experiences you can have and you want to get it right.
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Time for some tough choices...