Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up always hurts. That’s normal. But at the same time as dealing with how you feel, there are practical things to consider: children, where you’ll live, money, friends, family, surviving the present and looking to the future.

Couples threaten to break up all the time. So you need to work out if this is a heavy row, or a full-on end-of-the-world apocalypse scenario.

Saving a relationship is not the easy option, and it's often harder than splitting up. It involves both sides swallowing their pride, and trying to solve some of the deeper problems in the relationship, rather than the surface problems that seem more immediate. Also, while it may feel that splitting up will be a magic bullet that will solve all your problems, you'll probably find the opposite is true, and that actually you'll have a lot more on your plate afterwards - don't forget there's a child involved too. You can only decide what’s best by being totally honest first with yourself and then with your ex. What do you both want?

If you’re not sure, a counsellor can help you answer these questions before you make a decision that you may later regret. You can see a counsellor by yourself or as a couple. They’ve seen it all before. What they will do is use their experience and skills to help you discuss the difficult things that turn into rows when you try to discuss them yourselves. It doesn't need to cost money either - you can get couples councelling on the NHS, although you may have to wait months to get an appointment.

If you’re sure it’s over, you’re going to need to be businesslike and make sure that your ex-partner and the children are OK. This is not easy at an emotional time. Others may think you are being cold. The decisions you take at this time could be very important for the long term, so don’t rush them.

This section of Dads-Space can help. Talking to friends and family can too, especially if they’ve had similar experiences. Don’t force them to take sides – it’s not in anyone’s interest. Try to talk about the process and problems of separation, rather than complaining about your ex.

Separation is the key word. To separate from your partner with the least pain for everyone, you need to separate everything out in your mind; separate how you feel from what you need to do.
However you feel about your ex, doing the best for the kids and their mother is the key to being a good Dad.

Dads-Space is running a series of articles and features on separation. We’d love to hear from you about your experiences. Why not drop us a line at editor@dads-space.com.