Whatever the reasons for the separation, your child may feel very angry, hurt or betrayed by you. You may think that this is unfair but to your child, their feelings are their feelings and you may have to deal with this without trying to change their minds about how they see things.
Be prepared for them to use contact as a way of getting back at you for what they feel you have done to them or to their mum. They might act bored or sulky at your every suggestion, or be ready really late when you arrive, or ask if they can go home or to see a friend during the time you were supposed to be seeing each other. Or they may be bad tempered or sulky, or if they are younger, cry or not want to leave their mum. They may also test out your boundaries, particularly if you act as if you aren’t strict or give them the idea that you have different rules from their mum – they may then test out how far this goes by doing something you think isn’t OK or by being really badly behaved in public or by shouting at you.
Or they may be more direct, telling you just what they think of you and your behaviour, asking you to explain yourself or arguing with everything.
It’s tempting to blame their mum when they do this – saying to yourself that she made them do this, or she turned them against you, or just that she is a bad mother.
First of all, some of this behaviour or perhaps all of it could be for reasons which have nothing to do with you or your child’s mum. If they are teenagers, it could simply be adolescence and hormones and the difficulties they are having with growing up. They may be shy or naturally mischievous or feeling ill or tired or all sorts of things.
Secondly, it may be because of you and it maybe for good reasons or for what your child considers to be good reasons. If you read some of the other articles in this section of Dads’ Space, you will find some information about some of these possible reasons, particular if you have used violence in the home or in other circumstances, some of which you may feel weren’t your fault. Even if it wasn’t your fault, from your child’s point of view, they may feel that they have good reason to be angry at you, at least for a while. Angry feelings could also be disguising hurt or painful emotions, or they may express their hurt by getting upset or arguing with each other if you have more than one child.
Children do sometimes behave in difficult and challenging ways and your job is to deal with it and to help them to deal with it.
Listen to what they are saying – but don’t let it become an excuse for them to hurt themselves, each other or you, or to damage property or to run out of the house or for other dangerous or unacceptable behaviour. You can acknowledge and apologise for hurt you have caused and also stick to limits of behaviour.
Be prepared to have some challenging discussions or arguments with young people and be ready to back down and simply listen to what they say but also ready to be clear about the limits. It’s OK for your 14 year old daughter to express her anger about how she feels you left her in the lurch by leaving her mum, but it’s not OK for you or her to allow this as an excuse for running out on you or for staying out all night when she’s supposed to be home by 10pm. It’s helpful for you to find your own way of saying “I know you are angry and hurt and I will listen to that and I will also still expect you to be in by 10pm”
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