It may be that after thinking about it for a while, your child really doesn’t want to have contact with you, sometimes even after their mum has really encouraged them to have contact. This will have been a difficult decision for them to make and it will be upsetting for you and perhaps very frustrating and saddening.
Here are some things you can do if you are in this situation:
- Have a look at some of the information on Dads’ Space about reasons why some children in specific circumstances might not want contact. Even if these don't match your situation, some of the feelings may still be the same or similar to those your child has.
- Have a think about other reasons your child might have – this isn’t so that you can try to change their mind, it’s so that you can understand how they feel.
- Have a think about any reasons you may have heard from other people, such as their mum, other relatives, a friend you trust, the court or social worker, someone else. Maybe you disagree with them and maybe you are right. But if you want to understand your child’s feelings, it’s always worth considering these views carefully even though this can be painful – they may have a point.
- Decide that if possible you will put right the mistakes you’ve made in the past, even if you can’t do that directly with your child and your child’s mum, that you will change things for the future.
- Take action to change your behaviour, particularly if you think or suspect that it is still causing you, any new partner or other children problems, or even if it isn’t, just to make sure that it doesn’t.
- Notice how you feel and try to find things that help you to cope with these feelings. You can’t necessarily take away your sadness and it’s natural to feel like this. These feelings can be helpful - they can help you to learn from what’s happened and understand some of what your child feels. You can also learn to cope with these feelings and make sure that you don’t turn them into unhelpful actions but channel them positively.
- You may need to work on accepting your child’s decision. This can be very frustrating – if you think that they have got the wrong impression of you, or that you haven’t been given a fair chance, you may want to try to contact your child and try to convince them that they’ve got it wrong or that you’ve changed. This is usually not a good idea after usual contact channels have been exhausted.
- You can write your child a letter and keep it to send to them when they are adult, for them to choose whether or not to read. Don’t send it now though – keep it and think about whether it is for them or for you. It might be best to wait until they are grown up or until you hear from someone you trust that they want you to make contact.