Making contact after a long time away

Maybe you felt that you couldn’t be a good dad as a younger man, but now you’re ready. Hard as it might sound for you, your child might not see it that way. For some children, they might feel that if their mum was ready you should have been too. For others, they might not have had either of you and feel more attached to a grandparent or foster carer.

They may find it hard to trust you and take a while to believe you can be reliable – think about this from their point of view. Your child’s trust isn’t something you can demand, after a long time like this, so no matter what the reasons, you have to earn it - and this will be a slow process sometimes.

Your child may want to start off with indirect contact and they may just want to stick with this. If they are older, in particular, they may simply have got used to not having contact with you and not want the emotional upheaval it might involved, especially if they have good relationships with their mum and other relatives, or a step parent or other adult they see as a dad or a dad figure.

“I did want to know more about dad, so it was fine exchanging emails and photos but that was enough for me, for now anyway”

On the other hand, some children desperately want to meet a dad they’ve never met. In these situations they may also have fantasy ideals about you which no-one could ever live up to and you will need to bear in mind your child might be disappointed when reality doesn’t turn out as they thought it might.

Sometimes your child’s mum or other carer might want to protect them from disappointment and be wary of your attempts to make contact. Their mum, if she has brought them up, may feel you abandoned her to cope on her own when she really needed you. The children may decide for themselves that if their mum managed, you should have tried harder. This may make them feel you didn’t want them enough and feel rejected by you for this.

You’ll need to be sensitive to all these possible feelings about you wanting to be involved now. Your own feelings may be very raw as well and you will need to find ways of dealing with these that don’t get in the way of your child’s needs or respecting their wishes. You may have contact with your child but discover that they treat another person as a dad and don’t want to think of you in that way – you’ll have to accept this.

You may want to talk to a trusted friend or a counsellor about your feelings so that you can keep them from harming the relationship with your child, as your feelings aren’t their problem.

REMEMBER: most of the time, contact of some form is a positive experience for children, so don’t get downhearted, listen to and try to understand what your child wants and be prepared to go at their pace. Even very limited indirect contact is worth it, for you to know your child a bit better and for them to know a bit more about you. Read 'Positive things you can offer your child' for more on this.

Next: But you've got a new family now...