Managing behaviour (2 to 4)

Congratulations: you’ve laid the groundwork for a happy child, and you’ve got a coping mechanism for tantrums. Your child is developing a variety of skills, including language and toilet training.

It’s time to move from a few limits to a number of rules. You’re setting boundaries on more behaviours not because your child is being difficult, or because you’re an authoritarian – it’s simply because your child’s range is expanding and you need to respond to that. Focus the rules towards safety.

• A limit is a point at which a certain behaviour becomes too much – simply touching an object may be a limit, whereas banging a drum for more than two minutes may be a limit.
• A rule is more ‘conditional’ – an ‘if’ can be applied to the rule. “You don’t do that if we’re in public”, “You don’t talk if your mouth is full”.

The usual rules apply to your behaviour too.

• Be clear, specific and consistent.
• Praise good behaviour.
• Keep calm
• The usual limit. Do not use smacking.

As with younger children, you shouldn’t waste time arguing or reasoning. However, three and four-year-olds will begin to require explanations. They’re developing the ability to reason, so take the time to explain if you can.

• Avoid meaningless threats, and follow up with the specified punishment if rules are broken.
• Avoid sarcasm and extreme threats because children this age can take what you say literally.
• Reprimand your child privately, if possible – especially from the age of four.
• Provide alternatives. If a child’s playing with an object you don’t want it to, replace it with a favourite toy.
• Avoid power struggles – control and contain tantrums safely.
• Pick your battles, and don’t make toilet training or eating your battlegrounds.
• Lying should be discussed, but not punished.
• Maintain a strict bedtime and a set a bedtime routine.

Your child is developing very quickly so be conscious of its changing abilities – both to get itself into difficulty, and to understand why you’re setting rules.