Time for some tough choices

OK, you’ve really decided you want contact. You’ve decided you really want to make a go of being a responsible parent, a significant part of your child’s life.

Here are some scenarios for you to consider. These are to help you to prepare for what’s ahead, if you have long term contact, including overnight stays or long days. There are no answers here, just things you should think about, so that you can start to get yourself ready:

You have all your children over to stay for the weekend. They squabble and are generally difficult. You find it difficult to control them and they don’t like your home. They don’t seem to want to do anything you suggest. You are relieved and exhausted when you return them to their mum on Sunday night. What do you say to their mum when you drop them off, and how do you feel about the weekend?

Your children stay over on a school night and at 10pm, one suddenly announces that he’s remembered he is supposed to be going on a school trip tomorrow. He needs his permission slip signing and he doesn’t know where it is. He needs particular clothing which is at his mums and he needs some cash, which you don’t have on you. What now?

One of your children gets a temperature and starts throwing up whilst at yours for the day, making a terrible mess on your sofa, and crying that she wants her mum. Her mum is having a day out with her new partner. What do you do?

One of your mates rings you up on Friday and says that a group of your friends is going on a last minute trip away that weekend, spur of the moment, cheap flights and all-in accommodation for next to nothing, but you have to set off tonight. You could really do with a break but you’ve already promised you will take your youngest to his dance class and pick him up again after tomorrow morning. What’s it to be?

OK, these are all typical situations and in the long run, if you have significant levels of contact and you are taking responsibility for your parenting, you will have to deal with these on your own, on the spot, and without expecting your ex/child’s mother to sort it all out. Which of these situations did you find hardest to imagine dealing with? What do you need to learn about? How are you going to make decisions? Start thinking about these now. This will help to show you, your child’s mum and anyone else who needs to know (such as the court, social workers, grandparents etc) that you really are ready for contact.

Next: Take it slow!