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Understanding your kids emotions (2)

 
All kids are affected by their parents’ separation even they don’t show it. You were a kid once - draw on your own experience of how children feel to help them through this emotional time.

How children feel after separation

Anger, regret, guilt, coldness – your children will be feeling some similar emotions to you although probably not at the same time. They’ll be feeling a few others too - such as abandonment.

Underlying all these emotions are two fears:

  • You and their mother don’t love them
  • Your separation may be their fault

What you can do about it

You need to make it clear in everything you say and do that it’s not your kids fault and you do love them.

Not seeing the children for a while after the separation might help you and your ex but it may suggest you aren’t interested in them. So will asking them to change their behaviour – e.g. ‘be good’ – because of your problems. Keep talking to them even if it’s painful for you. However, be careful not to overload them with ‘adult’ emotions.

 

It’s important to reduce the impact of change.

Children don’t like change. They haven’t it experienced as much as you have and don’t have as much control over how things change as you.

Keep change to a minimum. Create a new routine for the children as soon as possible. Whatever arrangements you make with your partner, stick to them. Don’t set radically different boundaries around behaviour than your partner, this is likely to confuse children and make transitions between parents very difficult. Keep things civil with your partner in front of the children and don’t diss her behind her back.

Children may refuse to believe what has happened and try to get you back together. This can be a danger sign. Think about how they’re going to feel when they fail to do it.

Danger signs

Other danger signs can include:
  • Eating disorders
  • Poor behaviour
  • Aggression or depression
  • Problems with friends
  • Poor school work (Make sure the school knows roughly what’s going on)

You may no longer be the partner of your kid’s mum but you will always be their dad – you need to understand that, and to make sure that your children do too.

 

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