Why they might not want you to have contact (yet)

The courts, social workers, your child’s mum or other carer may feel concerned about you having contact with your children, particularly after a long break.

If you have used violence or abuse against their mum, then their concerns may seem obvious, but there may be other less obvious concerns which may apply to you even if you haven’t used violence.

It’s worth taking the time to think about these and if possible, trying to put them right. This may take time. Yes, we’ve said this a lot and of course if you are trying to be the best dad you can be it can seem frustrating - but it is important for your child.

You may have had, good reasons, but if your child has been let down by you in the past, it is even more important that you can stick to a regular commitment. If you can’t right now, you may find that others decide that it’s not OK for you to have direct contact with the children.

It’s upsetting for children to have to cope with a parent who doesn’t always turn up, or cancels at the last minute, or is always late, or doesn’t ring when they say they will. Mums in particular who have had to comfort an upset child in one of these circumstances may want to protect your child from further disappointment and upset.

It’s not safe or OK for children to be left unsupervised at a young age, to be fed on snacks and sweet things all the time, to be left in dirty nappies or clothes or to be expected to look after each other when they are supposed to be in their dad’s care.

Dads who have not been consistently reliable or safe in the quality of care they provide on contact visits are disrupting and possibly damaging their children’s routine and upbringing and are putting them at risk of harm.

In these circumstances the courts or others may decide that the dad has more of a negative impact on the child than a positive and recommend only supervised or indirect contact.

Some dads have had sole responsibility for caring for their children before they split up with the child’s mum and this will be fine. For others, the mum and the courts may need to see that a dad does know what to do and how to keep them safe from harm.

It doesn’t just come naturally and you will have to learn how to do this. A dad who wants to be the best dad possible will co-operate and take the time to learn how to look after their children. You will need to be able to listen to what their mum is saying particularly if she has had most of the care of the children so far. If you can’t, you may find that the courts will limit how much contact you have until you can show that you can look after the children properly alone.

A dad who can’t speak civilly to the child’s mother on contact handover will be upsetting their child. If the child hears nasty things said to their mum or about her behind her back, it will upset and confuse them and it may undermine the parenting she is providing.

A good dad wants his child to have positive relationships with both parents and won’t undermine this, no matter how bitter he feels. If you can’t keep your bitterness or anger towards your child’s mother away from the children it may not be OK for you to have direct contact with your children until you can demonstrate that you can keep these feelings away from them.

You may feel that all this is unfair on you – you are the dad, you love your child and that should be enough. However, it isn’t fair on children to have to deal with someone who doesn’t know how to look after them properly or to have to hear abusive things said to their mum on contact handover or about their mum during contact visits.

If you want to have a positive relationship with your children, don’t risk damaging them by forcing contact when you aren’t ready to do this properly. Take things slow, stick to the agreements, use indirect contact if that’s appropriate and be patient – it’s worth it in the end.

Good dads don’t want their children to feel pressurised or scared into seeing them; they want their child to spend time with them because they want to, not because they are afraid to say no. This might take time.

REMEMBER: Forcing contact on a child rarely works well for the children or the parent who wants the contact, they will only resent you. You are much more likely to have regular contact with them in the long term if you take it one step at a time – things won’t be like this forever.

Next: But you've got a new family now...