DO use this as an opportunity to look at yourself honestly and to recognise good things you want to keep and not so good things you want to change.
DON’T wind yourself up imagining your ex already has a new partner. It won’t do any good.
DO remember that in reality she is probably too busy to do anything like get a new partner and she is getting used to living without you too. If and when she does have another partner, that’s her choice. Getting angry about it now or then won’t help or change things and it will only make your children more anxious to be around you.
DON’T assume your ex will stop you from seeing the children – most women want their children to have a relationship with their dad after they have separated, providing it is safe for them and the children.
DO focus on making sure you are ready and able to look after the children, to be safe on contact handover and to be a positive influence in your kids’ lives. It’s important for you to be able to show them that you can behave respectfully to their mum – they love her as well as you, even if you don’t any more or if you are angry that the relationship is over, they need you to do this. It may take a while for her or the children to trust you or the courts may say that you have to take it in stages. Dads' Space can help – our 1-2-1 contact service can keep you in touch, and the main site can provide you with loads of ideas and information about making contact positive. Some of these things may be very familiar to you, others you may have relied on your ex to deal with – this is your chance to start learning some new skills for being a great dad, take it! Dads' Space will help you and there’s always our helpdesk for any specific questions you might have.
DON’T keep texting or phoning her. It’s just going to make it harder for you and for her to be able to sort out how you feel, what you want and it’s almost certain to cause arguments, which will only upset the children.
DO try to agree arrangements for contacting each other and STICK to them. This might mean not calling each other at all, but using a trusted third party, or only calling in emergencies or at specific times.
DON’T go round to the house or if she has left, try to find out where she is living or follow her. This is abusive, will frighten her and the children and will make things worse for you if you want to have proper contact arrangements with the children.
DO remember that in time, if you change your behaviour and can show that you aren’t abusive, you should be able to have contact with your children and you may even be able to get on with your partner again, just don’t assume that it will happen or that it will happen soon.
DON’T expect child contact visits will always be fun fun fun! Looking after the children by yourself is very hard work and sometimes they will drive you insane.
DO remember that looking after the children alone is what your partner is doing too, have some patience and use Dads' Space for help and ideas. And remember too that sticking with it when the going gets tough is part of what makes you a good dad.
DON’T wallow in self pity or tell everyone she’s kicked you out or treated you unfairly. Badmouthing the mother of your children is a form of abuse of them as well as her and a good dad won’t want to do that. Your children will pick up on your attitude to her, even if they don’t hear you directly and they won’t like it.
DO keep up with or re-start or start afresh positive activities that are good for you and your health, both physical and mental. Sport, listening to music, reading, decorating your new place, getting in touch with friends who are a good influence on you, spending time on your family, going for a walk, taking up a new hobby, sorting out your finances, cooking a good meal, learning some new skill, making sure things are going well at work…the list is endless. Find out what works for you and make sure that when you feel yourself starting to get wound up, frustrated, sad or angry, you do one of these. Talk to your key worker or facilitator on the group work programme if you are attending one.
DON’T use it as an excuse to drink or take drugs – this won’t solve the problem and it will almost certainly make it worse. It will also mean you aren’t safe to be around your children.