Arranging to see the kids

While you might not be too bothered about seeing your ex after a break-up, you’ll probably want to see your kids as much and as often as possible. But it’s important that you and your ex work out an arrangement that puts the kids needs first.

Contact or access needs to be part of your parenting plan. Children need stability and security at home and school and the plan must be have this contact at its heart.

If you get on well with your ex, a solution that involves the children living in the family home while the parents alternate can work well – at least in the short term. It minimises the amount of moving around the kids do and makes them feel more secure during the most difficult period.

This sort of arrangement might work for you – but it might not. Either way, you should talk to your children about it, because they’ll more secure about the situation if they have a say in the contact arrangements. They’ll be worried that they may lose contact with one of their parents and will be distressed about the conflict - consulting and reassuring them will help a lot.

"Stick to the arrangements you've made"

Contact arrangements work best when parents are honest with each other about their strengths and weaknesses. Your ex-partner may have hurt you, but if she’s good with the children respect that and understand that this benefits them.

Stick to the arrangements you’ve made. They should only be changed in genuine emergencies. ‘I was working late’ is not an emergency. Don’t get labelled as ‘unreliable’. Put yourself in your child’s position. A kid simply won’t consider the pressures of your job - they’ll just assume you’re not there because you don’t love them enough.

However difficult it is to arrange, some contact is virtually always better than none. If you don’t see your kids now you’ll miss a lot of growing up and find it much harder to rebuild bridges later.

In all but a few situations it’s best for the kids to have contact with both parents. So it’s down to you both to make it happen.

Keeping in contact with your kids is awesomely important – but it can also cause the most amount of conflict. Be reasonable; try to create an arrangement and schedule that’s not too disruptive to your kid’s current routine, reassure them as much as possible and above all else, put their needs first.