Being a Stepdad: First Steps

You’ve finally found her. The right one, the woman of your dreams, the love of your life. You’ve been on the perfect dates, met the best friend and said the magic ‘L’ word and now you’re ready to start a life together.

What’s more, your perfect woman has 2 great children who you’re keen to build a relationship with. There’s just one problem: right now, they don’t seem too keen on the idea. Or on you for that matter.

So how can we make sure that this all important adjustment happens smoothly, and that everyone comes out smiling? Well, it’s never going to be a walk in the park, but if we can get just two things right, this tricky terrain will be a whole lot easier to navigate. What are they? Trust building and conflict handling.

When a new man enters a child’s mother’s life, the main emotion they feel is insecurity. Things are changing, and they can’t stop it. Even worse, their mum (who normally provides essential reassurance and consistency) is suddenly preoccupied. Whilst they were once her sole focus, they now find themselves in competition with you for her time, attention and love. Pretty unsettling stuff.

And if worrying about themselves wasn’t stressful enough, they also have their mum’s wellbeing to worry about. Are you good enough for her? Will you stick around? What will happen to her if things don’t work out? In short, you’ve got a lot to prove.

But there are ways to show that, whilst you may be the new guy, you’re definitely not the bad guy. These simple tactics will help you to build bonds of trust that will last for years.

• Take a deep breath. No matter how nervous you’re feeling about your new domestic situation, the child is probably feeling worse. If you’ve built little David up into your own personal Goliath, remember: he’s just a child. Rather than being led by his negative reactions to you, take responsibility for setting the tone of your relationship. You’re the grown-up, after all.
  
• Get involved. The more we do something, the more we feel comfortable with it, and the more we end up liking it. Whether it’s helping with homework, building a tree house or baking a cake, spending time with a child turns us from a threatening stranger into a familiar face. Just don’t push it. If they want to be left alone, dragging them out for a bike ride will do more harm than good.
  
• Do sweat the small stuff. A new Nintendo Wii may grant you hero status for a weekend, but the effects will be short lived. Concentrate on showing you care in everything you do. Make them a bedtime drink, pick them up from school, listen to their worries. Little and often will win out.
  
• Know your stuff. How well do you know your partner’s children? Who’s their favourite teacher? What’s their dream job? How did they get that scar on their knee? The closer we feel to someone, the more we trust them. Know their world inside out.
  
• Last the course. In some situations (first match with a new football team, sitting in the dentist’s chair) trust develops quickly, because it has to. Dealing with your partner’s children won’t be one of these situations. It could take months (or even years) of having consistently positive interactions before you are trusted, so get ready to exercise some patience. Just keep the benefits in mind – they’ll be well worth the wait.

Nobody said that having a relationship with your partner’s children would be easy. Even years down the line, when a child has accepted us and we’ve become part of the furniture, there will still be times when we clash (“you’re too young to wear that” verses “you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad”).
But there’s some good news. Whilst we can’t control our views on teenage attire, we can control the way we deal with disagreements. And that’s what counts. Handling conflict in the right way not only saves everyone a lot of upset, it can actually help strengthen our relationships (“Mum’s boyfriend always listens to my opinions and never shouts, even if when I’m winding him up on purpose”).

Use these techniques to stop the inevitable disagreements turning into full blown rows.

• Spot the style. When things get heated most of us adopt a certain conflict mode. Some of us compete (“you know I’m right, just admit it”) whilst others avoid (“I don’t want to talk about this right now”). And when certain styles meet the result is deadlock. Practice spotting which mode the child is adopting and switch yours to reach a resolution.
  
• Look for the win/win. Invite the child to work with you to reach a decision you are both happy with. Try presenting your opinion as a starting point to improve on together, not something that you’ve got to defend. Replace “no but…” with “yes and…” to build on their ideas.
  
• Choose your words carefully. In moments of conflict we can often generalise, throwing about toxic words like ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘typical’. So not only is the child being rude right now, but they are always rude. Not only are they not listening, but they never listen. Unsurprisingly, this will send them on the defensive. Keep your criticisms specific and temporary by using phrases like ‘on this occasion’, ‘when you’re tired’ or ‘right now’.
  
• Bring them back. Just like a battle, arguments are full of attacks and retreats. If the child retreats, draw them out by asking questions or remarking on their reaction “I get the feeling you’re not comfortable with this – can you share what you’re thinking or feeling?” If they attack, acknowledge their concerns and reconfirm what you’re trying to achieve together.
  
• Say sorry. Being the adult doesn’t mean you have to be in the right every time. If you make a mistake, admit it, apologise and explain why you did what you did – “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’ve had a long day at work and I’m tired, but that’s not your fault. I’m sorry”. Apologising isn’t a sign of weakness – it’s a brave move that most children will respect.

Octavius Black is the co-author of The Mind Gym: relationships (£12.99, Little Brown) www.themindgym.com/books