Creating a Parenting Plan

Can they stay up late? How long can they play videogames for? Should they be allowed to put cutlery in electrical outlets? The answers to all these questions (apart from the last one hopefully) will be different for every family, but after a separation, it’s easy for you and your partner to start creating different rules for your kids, sometimes without even realising. But it’s important to be consistent with rules in both households – it prevents confusion and offers much less chance of awkward ‘well Mum lets us…’ conversations. Kids desperately need stability after a separation, and it’ll help you too.

Discuss your parenting rules with your ex, agree on them and stick to them. This includes how they’ll be brought up, where they will live (and when), when they’ll see grandparents and other members of the family, discipline, schools, religion, holidays – you name it. Some people call this a parenting plan. You can see an example by downloading our PDF on the right.

Central to your parenting plan is the issue of parental responsibility. Parental responsibility is about who takes the lead responsibility for the child. It can be joint or you or your partner could have parental responsibility. If you can’t agree, the courts can decide this but it’s much less disruptive and expensive if you can work out a system yourselves. Not having parental responsibility does not mean you won’t have a say in your children’s lives, and likewise having parental responsibility doesn’t mean you get a say in everything.

"Putting your child first may mean putting yourself second"

Because you’re putting your child first, the best arrangement may be something that seems unfair to you. For example, equal access may sound fair, but it may not be best for the child as there may not be enough stability and routine. Sometimes one home with fair access to the other partner can work well. Be big enough to accept that sometimes these compromises may not feel fair but they may be the best outcome for you and your children.

It’s not always easy to do draw up and stick to your parenting plan by yourselves. Relate offer a one day’s workshop on ‘Parents Apart’ which can help you and your partner work together for the benefit of your kids.

But you don’t have to go a course to work things out. There are many people who can help keep the peace and keep you focussed:

• A friend (if you’re both 100% sure about the person and feel they have the skills you need)
• A mediator
• A counsellor
• A solicitor who is a member of Resolution
  

Having a decent parenting plan worked out can make all the difference to your relationship with your ex and your relationship with your kids. Your ex will see you’re serious about trying to make things work, and your kids will appreciate the stability.