Dealing with your emotions

It’s over. After all the arguments, accusations and crisis talks, you’ve reached the end of the line. Whatever the reasons for the break-up, you’ll be feeling a mixture of guilt, anger, fear, sorrow and confusion. You’ll be churning the same questions over and over in your mind: What should I do now? Is there still hope? What about the kids? Stop. Before you deal with the practical issues, you need to get your head straight.

A few emotions you might be feeling include:

• Frustration
• Relief that differences are out in the open
• Desparation
• Determination to stand your ground
• Lonliness
• Bewilderment

These responses are all perfectly normal, and this list is certainly not comprehensive. The good news is, most men face these intense feelings and survive. The less good news is that it will take some time.

You may have dealt with the death of a close friend or relative before. It has been said that separation feels very similar, but many men say that separation is even harder.
In many ways it’s more complex than death, and can involve:

• The Loss of a partner
• The loss of life structure
• The loss of the family home
• The loss of friends and social life
• The loss of identity
• The loss of contact with your children.

All of these are particularly difficult if:

• You’re still hanging on to the relationship when there is no real hope
• You have reduced or limited time with your children
• You didn’t want the separation in the first place.

So it’s easy to see how we can feel like we’re going a bit mad. The path through separation is unlikely to be a straight line, and you will find yourself experiencing the highs and lows that come through grief. You might find yourself revisiting memories and emotions you’d thought you’d left behind. The resulting emotional and mental impact will test your strength and your ability to look after yourself.

When you’re a dad, cutting your ex out of your life isn’t an option - like it or not, you’ll have to maintain some kind of relationship for the sake of your child (see Explaining Separation To The Kids). Extreme emotional states can lead to actions that might damage your future relationship with your child, so it’s important that you balance your emotions as quickly as possible in the coming weeks.

While you shouldn’t wallow in self-pity, you do need to think about your emotions. Some of us are not used to dealing with problems we can’t solve easily, and may lash out in anger, drink heavily or isolate ourselves. If you’re being refused access to your kid, yelling through the letter-box or creating frightening scenes won’t help.

If you’re still living with your ex, move out, even if you have to sleep on someone’s sofa. It may sound selfish, but distance will give you the space to think about the situation clearly. Chatting to friends can definitely help, but it can be hard to discuss personal feelings, and they might not offer anything better than ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea, mate’.

Don’t let anyone tell you how you should grieve. Find out what helps you. You may find comfort in activities like work, sport or hobbies.

Making a list of all the issues and feelings you have is a good idea – just seeing it all written down can make things feel more manageable. Try to look at events as they might appear to your ex and child, and think about how your behaviour seems to them. Be honest with yourself, admit blame where you are at fault, and try to make peace with your actions in the past. You can’t change what’s already happened, but you can change things for the future.

You can choose to:

• Accept that it’s over
• Survive one day at a time
• Seek Help
• Hang in there for your children
• Not be the victim
• Not get hooked into fighting
• Not be the one that drives a legal battle
• Learn, recover and rebuild

If you feel yourself sinking into a deep depression, ask your GP for help. While they can help with the physical symptoms that surround mental distress (lack of sleep for example) they can also point you towards local help groups and services. Also, think about taking a six-week course of counselling – it doesn’t mean you’re a nutter, and talking to a skilled listener can help you see things from a different point of view.

If you focus on getting your head right, everything else will follow. By dealing with emotions rather than burying them, you’ll soon be feeling like your old self - and hopefully a little bit wiser too.