Explaining Separation To The Kids

Kids aren’t daft. Even younger children can sense when something is wrong, especially when Mum and Dad aren’t talking, and Daddy’s sleeping on the sofa every night. After a break-up, you need to talk to your kids honestly about what has happened, and what’s going to happen next.

If you are on speaking terms with your ex-partner, try to discuss how you will tell your kids about the separation. You may decide to tell them together – if that’s not practical, at least try to make sure you are both giving the same messages If you and your partner see the reasons why you are separating differently, try to be open about how you see it without blaming your partner or asking your children to take sides. Stick to the facts.

It’s important that you use language that’s right for their age. You don’t need to go into detail about the reasons why you are splitting up with a young child, but you do need to reassure them of your love. However, if they are older and aware of the issues, tell them openly - but only give them the amount of detail you think they can handle. Don’t underestimate their ability to understand. Chances are they’ll already be aware that something is going on, even if you have tried to keep it from them.

• Set the tone by explaining to them that you and your partner are breaking up and the reasons why. Ask them how they feel about it and quietly wait for a response.
• Give them the space to express their own feelings. They may shout or run away. They may not want to continue the conversation there and then. Be patient, give them time to come to terms with the news in their own way.
• Notice how they respond and let them know that it is okay.
• Answer any questions they have honestly.
• Don’t assume if they don’t ask questions, they don’t want to know more. Be open, not blaming and calm in conversation so that information and feelings can be shared naturally.
• Children often think the splitting up is in some way their fault. Explain that you are separating as a result of your relationship with your partner, not your relationship with them.
• When talking about your relationship, remember to talk about the good times as well as the bad. If nothing else, remember to talk positively about being a Dad.
• If there is a chance you and your partner will get back together, let them know. If there isn’t, don’t build up their hopes.

Your children will find it easier to deal with separation if they understand what is going on and why. Be open and honest with them, and give them time to deal with things their own way. Keep your relationship problems with your partner separate from your relationship with your children.