The baby is still in the correct position apparently (which for the record is to the left, upside down with the head aiming towards the, err, exit). The bump has also visibly got lower; it’s quite amazing to see how the woman’s body gets ready for each stage.
Unfortunately Ness is feeling very big, very tired and very grumpy. The Iron Maiden (see week 4 of my blog) is never far away, and I've tempted fate more than once this week. Judging by her moods, if I'm not careful, I could end up unable to father any further children...
This week we had a tour of the hospital. This is just to make sure that you know where you are going when you arrive and what to expect once there. As we entered the labour ward we could smell toast and were reliably informed by the midwife that a baby must have just been born. I knew babies are supposed to have a unique smell but I didn’t know it was of toast!
The first thing we noticed was that the labour ward was boiling hot - as you walked in it was like getting out of an air conditioned car in the middle of the desert, and it felt like all the air was being sucked out of your lungs. (TIP: Wear shorts and a t-shirt, NOT suit and tie).
There were four other couples with us and we were shown around the various rooms and equipment that would come into play during the labour and birth. I actually felt quite comforted by the apparent efficiency of how things get done and all the machinery available to monitor every stage…of course it made me equally as terrified. The one bonus was seeing the other men in the group looking like spare parts; there was a palpable air of male panic.
Upon arrival at the birthing pool room, there was suddenly a loud piercing cry of a new born child. Instantly the expression on every face changed. The midwife continued talking but I swear that no-one was listening to a word she was saying. It was like when the teacher spoke to Charlie Brown in the Peanuts cartoon…Mwah mwah mwah mwah….
The men did get lots of advice which was great. Gems included what not to say ("does it hurt?"), and that while it was a marathon event for her, for you it would be large amounts of boredom (TIP: Take a book) punctuated with small sections of high stress.
After this I was still feeling a bit useless and so tried to read some of the books that we had bought. Unfortunately I found that the practical books difficult to digest because they were written for women by women, and all the ones written by men were the sort of books women buy FOR men, that don't really seem to be aimed at them.
What I needed was a no nonsense guide, an owners workshop manual for babies complete with short practical guides, pictures and diagrams…and believe it or not, one does exist. It’s made by the publisher who has helped thousands of men look like they know what they are doing under the bonnet of a car, Haynes.
The Haynes Baby Manual (Conception to 2 years) is definitely the best book I’ve read. It’s written for men by men. It’s full of brilliant easy to follow guides on things such as changing a nappy (with pictures of the type of poo to expect), bottle feeding (sterilising the bottle and making the formula) and car seats and baby carriers. It also looks at common health and skin problems and how to identify them to save you rushing to the hospital at 4am every other day. It also had a section that covers something else that no other book I’ve read seemed to - the fact that Dads have feelings too.
So my advice to expectant Dads is - get a copy of this book. Then on Saturday get your overalls on, grab a four pack of beer and some Pepperami Firesticks and then tell the missus you can’t go shopping as you’ve got to work on the baby.
Next week: The Brat Pack
Dads Space contributor Simon Payne loves going to rock gigs, adding to his collection of Aztec tattoos, good wine, football and his PlayStation. He's also the co-founder of Mind Adrenaline, a team building and events company that specialises in organising creative days out for organisations around the globe.
He readily admits he is a bit of a late starter.