The baby is now fully engaged and that means that Ness could, in theory, give birth any day in the next two weeks. Yikes.
It has been a particularly noisy week and the main offender has been snoring. Now I know I shouldn’t be complaining about sleep deprivation at this early stage, but I’ve been getting it from two different sources for two weeks solid now - often at the same time.
For some reason, our cat Mrs. Whiskerson (that name has absolutely NOTHING to do with me), has come over all maternal and insists on sleeping on the bump - apparently this is quite common. It sounds quite sweet until you understand that our little cat was the runt of the litter and has a slight breathing abnormality that means when in a deep sleep, it snores. Ness is snoring too. Again, this is quite common in the late stages of pregnancy as the baby gets bigger, and things become a little cramped inside.
Thing is, I could probably cope with one at a time but they seem to have synchronised, and at about 3am every morning I am awakened. The cat begins the symphony by noisily sucking in air and then wheezing it out through its nose – it sounds like someone trying to crush a newt. Ness then kicks in with that popping sound some people can make by clicking their tongue off the top of their mouth - she then brings the curtain down with a gurgling throat death rattle. It’s like a demonic version of Paul McCartney’s Frog Chorus.
I’m not moaning (well maybe a bit), but I just want to prepare you for the fact that towards the end of the pregnancy, your once softly sleeping angel will probably sound more like a 20-stone, lager swilling, getting-home-late, kebab eating man. So buy some ear plugs.
As the arrival of baby Payne is imminent, we’ve spent the last week getting the hospital bags ready. This is a rather complex affair for the woman, as she’s no only packing for herself but for the newborn baby as well. There are so many things to consider and so it does take some planning and forethought. I won’t go into this too much here, but perhaps take a look at my ‘Hospital Survival Kit’ article in the ‘All about Dads' section of the website for some tips and advice.
In my bag I’ve got a two magazines (FourFourTwo and Mens Health), a book called Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin (actually, I might have to rethink that one), a pack of mini-Pepperami’s, some dried fruit, water, piles of change for vending machines and the phone, deodorant, a change of clothes, Valium and a bottle of Scotch. OK, so the last two are a lie.
The fact is though, it’s very likely you’re going to get bored during the labour. No, it’s true! Unless, that is, you’re lucky enough to have a partner who is part of the REALLY annoying group that says “oh, the baby just popped out during Neighbours, it only took 10 minutes!”. In any case, you should prepare for a long exhausting day - they call it labour for a reason, y’know.
Next week: The Final Countdown
Dads Space contributor Simon Payne loves going to rock gigs, adding to his collection of Aztec tattoos, good wine, football and his PlayStation. He's also the co-founder of Mind Adrenaline, a team building and events company that specialises in organising creative days out for organisations around the globe.
He readily admits he is a bit of a late starter.