Growing Paynes - Week 12

Don’t worry – this isn’t going to be a blog about my love for 80’s rock poodles Europe. Instead, it’s the final week of pregnancy! Baby Payne is due on the 18th October. We are pretty much ready to go and now it’s just the waiting game.

I’m not going to tell you about the week just gone, as I spent most of it shouting at people. Accountants (incompetent), my work email provider (amateurs), Talk Talk (incompetent, amateur, liars). Recounting a week of rage is not good for the soul and as the media are doing such a good job of trying to make everyone feel miserable, I think it’s better if I focus on some positive stuff.

So it’s all fingers and toes crossed for a timely and trouble free birth for my lovely wife. Statistically 75% of all births are late but that isn’t going to stop us trying out a mixture of old wives tale and natural remedies, in hope of making things go as smoothly as possible. These include:

• Eating copious amounts of pineapple - Pineapple contains the enzyme Bromelain, which is thought to help to soften the cervix and so bring on labour. Although there is so little Bromelain in it, she’d realistically need to eat 7 whole pineapples a day for it to have much effect!
• Guzzling down red raspberry leaf tea – No real evidence, however, an Australian study has shown that it will speed up the second stage of labour and reduce the need for forceps delivery
• Going for walks – Good old gravity can work wonders. The explanation appears to be that the pressure of the baby's head pressing down on the cervix from the inside stimulates the release of Oxytocin, a hormone that causes contractions, hopefully bringing on labour
• Eating hot or spicy curries - Stimulates the gut and bowel and may encourage the uterus to get going. Beware though, it can also stimulate the gut, so maybe the Nuclear Prawn Phall isn’t the way to go
• Nipple stimulation - Can encourage the start of contractions. The theory is that Oxytocin is again released in the body when the breasts are stimulated. Just don’t get your hopes up that your missus will let you do the stimulating, as the nipples are extremely tender at this stage.
• Sex – Hurray! Something you can help with! Apparently it can work in three ways: Firstly the movement may help to stimulate the uterus into action; secondly, sex can trigger the release of yet more Oxytocin; thirdly, semen contains a high concentration of Prostaglandins which help to ripen, or soften, the cervix, ready for it to dilate when labour starts.

But check this out…it is thought that prostaglandins are absorbed more efficiently through the gut than through the vagina. There’s an obvious solution here, but good luck convincing the misses to perform that particular act when she’s nine months pregnant.See you on the other side!

Next week: Happy Birthday!

Dads Space contributor Simon Payne loves going to rock gigs, adding to his collection of Aztec tattoos, good wine, football and his PlayStation. He's also the co-founder of Mind Adrenaline, a team building and events company that specialises in organising creative days out for organisations around the globe.

He readily admits he is a bit of a late starter.