This week Ness finished work in preparation for the big day. I spent all weekend putting together furniture for the nursery and we both wrote a baby to do list. I then reflected on a job well done - and had a good old fashioned Corporal Jones from Dad’s Army panic.
There is only four weeks to go and unpacking the cot, Moses basket and a variety of small mittens and booties suddenly made me feel completely helpless. I decided to read up on my role during labour to calm myself – but ended up in even more of a state. Seeing images of the birth and afterbirth, frankly, horrified me. For the first time I could see how men pass out. Seriously, I could barely look at them! I also saw an article about baby poo (with grim, vomit inducing pictures) and that seemed like a walk in the park.
You see, up ‘til now I thought I had it all under control. I think I’m quite a modern man; I cook, I’m not afraid of my feminine side – hey, I even moisturise - but giving birth is something I just don’t ‘get’. In fact I’d challenge any man to try and fully explain to me the emotion and pain involved in childbirth. I began to feel out of control of the situation and boy, do we men hate that! You think I’m wrong? Just think about how it feels when you’re driving and your partner/ wife is navigating...badly.
So I thought about whom amongst my friends and peers I could turn to, who could allay my fears and tell me I’d do just fine? And there was the problem. I actually couldn’t think who to turn to. Well not to get a male perspective. Up until now most of my friends who had children had said very little to me about, well...anything!
The offer of support from female friends, family and colleagues was there at every turn (if I wanted it or not) but the most I’d had from my mates was a hearty slap on the back and a say-goodbye-to-your-life wink. OK, that’s not entirely true; I have spoken to one or two men who had been down at the business end of things during the birth and were prepared to give me the full, graphic and emotional view (complete with demos and sounds – way, way too odd) of why I should see it. They also talked with an in-depth knowledge about buggies, nappy brands, ointments, vaginas, stitches, placenta...well you get the picture. They also had some sort of weird, overly emotional, bond with their partners and seemed happy to talk about nothing else but babies. At some points during the conversation I genuinely had to restrain myself from slapping them.
Women also have an enormous array of magazines to turn to - ‘Mother and Baby’, ‘Prima Baby’, ‘Pregnancy and Birth’, ‘I’m Pregnant!’ and ’Babies – They’re Great But I Couldn’t Eat A Whole One.’ All of these dish out a variety of advice, best buys and places to get support. By way of contrast, I had a quick flick through a copy of ‘Nuts’ and although it had an admirable amount of breasts in it there was not one article on breast feeding.
Now I know that it’s not what we men do very well, share intimate feelings or experiences with each other; unless of course it’s about umm...actually, what do men share their feelings about? Perhaps therein lays the problem.
Truth is, I’m strong enough to cope I reckon, but I’m a 40 year old man with plenty of life experience. It must be quite scary for the younger man. I think that during labour and birth we are just a support unit like a TENS machine. We’re on the peripheral looking in and doing the best we can. But if you need support? Talk to a women, they do ‘get’ it.
Still, thank goodness for Dads Space eh? (Note to editor: Can I have a bonus for my shameless toadying?) (EDITOR’S NOTE: No.)
Next week: Where's the manual for this thing?
Dads Space contributor Simon Payne loves going to rock gigs, adding to his collection of Aztec tattoos, good wine, football and his PlayStation. He's also the co-founder of Mind Adrenaline, a team building and events company that specialises in organising creative days out for organisations around the globe.
He readily admits he is a bit of a late starter.