How to separate safely if you're being abusive

You may have started to change things but sometimes this will not be enough. Your partner may still be scared of you, or you may both feel that the relationship is over, or perhaps you need a break from each other so that you can think about what you both want. Or perhaps you feel that you can’t yet live safely with her and need to live apart for her safety.

A good dad wants his children to live without fear in their home so the best thing to do might be to leave for a while or for good, for everyone’s sake. It might not be forever and it doesn’t have to mean you don’t see the children. You may find that your relationship with your children improves if you and their mum aren’t living together.

If you’ve never used physical violence but have been abusing or controlling your partner in other ways, it still needs to stop and this may need to mean separation. She and your children deserve to live without this and the children will almost certainly have noticed that their mum isn’t happy.

Leaving safely helps your children to see you as a good dad and not a scary person or one who upsets their mum. It doesn’t matter if you think some of it is her fault or not, the children need to be able to feel safe and happy and they just want the fighting and arguing to stop.

You’ll want the children to enjoy being with you and this can happen when you are not frightening their mum and this can happen when you separate. In the long term, maybe you will change and maybe the relationship will be repaired. For now, you need to think about leaving safely.

• Talk to the Respect phone line
•  If you are on a group programme, talk to the group and the group leaders
• If you are not sure you can stay in the relationship safely you need to move out immediately for your partner’s sake, the children’s sake and to give you a chance to change things
• Think about where you can stay immediately while you get things sorted out – temporary housing from the council? A friend or relative? Bed and breakfast? It won’t be like home but it won’t be forever and it will help you to be safe
• Tell your partner you’re leaving and why, if it is safe for you to have this conversation in person. Explain that you are doing this because you don’t want to hurt her or frighten the children and you need to be apart from her to do that.
• If you can’t tell her in person, see below for other ways of letting her know – she needs to know what is going on and so do the children
• Once you have said when you will leave, stick to it
• Pack essential items such as clothing, bank details, benefit documents for you (not hers), tax or other financial documents, passport, etc
• Make sure she and the children know how to contact you in an emergency and if possible make arrangements for the children to be able to speak to you, if this is safe and if your partner is OK with this – you can sort out long term arrangements later
• Make sure she has enough money and/or access to the joint bank account with enough money in it, so that she can pay for food, clothes, travel, rent etc, or let her know if you are going to continue to pay the rent/mortgage etc – it isn’t fair on the children to leave her without enough money and it isn’t reasonable to expect her to manage without, in fact it is still being abusive
• If you don’t leave her enough money or if she is unsure about when you will contact her or how to contact you, this will cause difficulties for the children and you don’t want to do that. Even if you feel angry and bitter towards your partner, you are doing these things for your children and they will need their mum to have enough money to look after them and they will need to know how to contact you if this is safe.

• When you will be leaving – ideally this should be agreed between you
• How she can contact you in an emergency, such as something to do with the children
• How the children can contact you and if she is happy for them to do this. If she doesn’t feel happy or safe for you to have direct contact with them, you could try email or the Dads Space 1-2-1 service. It is important that she feels safe and OK with whatever you agree; otherwise it’s not going to work. Finding a solution she is happy with is part of you starting to be non-abusive towards her.
• Arrangements for paying rent or mortgage
• Childcare arrangements - even if you move out it may be possible for you to take part in some of the child care, such as picking up the children from school, or having them to stay, if you have somewhere to live that is suitable. If that isn’t possible at the moment, discussing possible child care arrangements or showing her that you want to do this when she is ready is an important step towards being non abusive and for your relationship with the children.

Don’t push her into anything she doesn’t want – at this stage, try to make only those arrangements which are necessary and if you can’t agree, go with what she wants till you can sort something out permanently. If you force her, you are just being abusive and that’s not what you want to do. IN the long run, you will be able to have your point of view discussed, even if that takes the court.

Try to agree to give each other a break from talking to each other unless absolutely necessary, even if this is hard to stick to. It doesn’t have to be forever and it will help you to stop being abusive.

• Write down what you need to tell her and give this to her or give it to someone else you can trust (not one of the children)
•  You could ask a friend or relative she trusts to explain to her when you will leave and how she can contact you
• Arrange to leave when she is not in the house
• Talk to a solicitor who can write these things down and send them to her formally
  

Continue on to: After separation – keeping things safe