I think I'm abusing my partner - how do I stop?

I think I am abusing my partner or ex and I want to stop – I don’t want my kids to be afraid of me or what I might do – what do I do now?

OK, you know you want things to change. That’s a start. It’s not going to be easy but you have taken the first step and dadspace can help you with the next ones.

• Think about the situation from your children’s point of view – what do they need and want from you? How do they want you to treat their mum?
• Listen to what your children are trying to tell you or perhaps are too afraid to tell you – they love you and they love their mum and they want you to be their dad but not in a scary way
• Listen to or think about what your partner is trying to tell you – she almost certainly wants you to be the best possible dad for your children and wants you to change for their sake as well as hers
• Think about a time you were abusive recently and think about – how you made your partner feel, how you made the children feel, how you felt and what you could have done differently
• Decide for yourself that you want to be the best possible role model for your children and think about what that means for you. No-one else can decide what this is but maybe it helps for you to think about another dad you really admire. Your own dad or someone you know, perhaps a mate or relative? What do or did they do that made them a great dad?
• Look at this as an opportunity to be the best possible dad, one who teaches his children by example how to be a good human being, one whose partner is proud to tell people about how good he is with the children, one whose kids admire him and enjoy his company…OK maybe in the teenage years they might find you a bit embarrassing or boring but they will get past that. They may not ever get past seeing you as scary or hurting their mum if you don’t change things. You want to be the sort of dad whose children, when they grow up, tell you they hope they are as good a dad as you.

• Call the Respect Phone Line for advice on 0845 122 8609
• Consider joining a programme for men who have used violence against their partners or ex-partners, or at least contacting one to find out more about what they do and how they can help you. There’s nothing they haven’t heard before and whilst they may be tough they will want to help you to be a safe and good dad and partner. Respect will be able to help you find a programme near you.