There is lots of information and help available on Dads' Space. This page is to start you off by thinking through some of the things you might be feeling.
First it’s good that you have got as far as reading this page. You’ve realised there’s a problem but you aren’t sure what to do next. Good dads want their children to feel safe and secure and to be able to love both their parents without worrying about what will happen to them. You want to be the best dad you can be and Dads' Space can help.
Second, there are things you can do and people who can help you to sort the situation out so that you don’t hurt your partner again.
Third, even if you are splitting up from your partner or have already split up, it’s still worth taking action. You and she have children together; you will always be connected in some way, so the children deserve to see you treating each other with respect. You will have another relationship, even if this feels a long way off, so it’s worth making sure you don’t make the same mistakes again.
You may feel ashamed or embarrassed, particularly if the children saw or heard something, or you think they might have. That’s natural and it’s a sign that you want to make things right. Don’t try to push this feeling away, it will help to remind you why you want to change and it will go away when you have started to put things right.
You may feel she deserved the abuse – because you think she wound you up or provoked you or ignored your warnings. If you want to carry on being a good dad, you will have to be able to show them how to be able to deal with feeling wound up without hurting someone. You will also have to show them how to deal with someone provoking them without reacting violently – you may already be doing this with your children if they have got to the age where they argue! So don’t let these feelings stop you from learning how to change. Your partner may well carry on annoying you and you won’t want to keep hurting her to get her to stop, this will only damage the relationship and the relationship you have with your children.
You may feel angry at your partner/ex, particularly if you think she provoked you or you feel bad about what happened and feel mad at her for making you feel this way. Remember that whatever she did, it is up to you how you react and you are the only one who can change this. You can’t change her, so feeling angry at her isn’t going to get you anywhere. If you take some action like we suggest on Dads’ Space, you won’t feel like this forever, so try to channel your anger into action. If you think you still feel violent, you may need to remove yourself from her for a while – see the pages on LINK about how to do this.
You may be worried she will tell someone and you will end up splitting up or losing the children or worse. That might happen; it’s up to her what she does. You can change your behaviour and try to show her that you can change but you can’t make her believe this. Instead of focusing on what she may or may not do, focus on what you can do to change the situation.
You may think it’s a one-off and won’t happen again. Maybe it won’t, but why not take action to make sure? Pushing it away might help you in the short term, but your partner won’t forget and in the end you will have to sort it out.