Keeping it friendly

"I have left my partner and she just seems to be angry with me all the time, every things is a problem or my fault. I don’t want to get into arguments but we seem to be shouting at each other more than when we lived together."

After a break-up there will always be ups and downs with your ex. Whatever your situation, both of you will be feeling hurt, and it’s easy to let things bubble over into conflict. But like it or not, your ex is someone you’re going to have to have an ongoing business-like relationship with, so it’s best to try and keep things friendly. Research shows that separation in itself does not damage kids, but ongoing and bitter conflict around separation does.

It might not always reflect your true feelings, but friendly and open behaviour is disarming and will help minimise conflict in your relationship with your ex. Hostile or emotional behaviour makes it easy for your ex to dismiss what you have to say, even if it’s valid.

It’s hard to be happy if you’re not eating or sleeping well. Keeping (or even starting) a healthy lifestyle is essential to maintaining a positive attitude. Avoid late nights, and try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even if you don’t actually sleep much. Try to keep stress to a mimimum and avoid drinking heavily as this can also muck up your internal routine. If your body is knackered it’ll be harder to avoid getting angry or upset, and it’s essential that you keep your cool.

While there may be issues from the past that make it difficult to talk to your ex, try to keep conversations focussed on what happens next rather than habitually covering old ground. Try to remember that it’s all about your kid’s future, rather than your past. You don’t have to walk around like a grinning loon (actually, it’s probably better that you don’t) but a little positivity goes a long way.

There’s no right way to separate but there are a lot of wrong ways. If you keep it friendly you can avoid most of them. It will take a lot of time to find your way past the pain and upset of separation to place where you can find a happy status quo. Be prepared for this and you wont go far wrong.