Sexual respect in relationships

If you are a busy dad, trying to fit in any sort of quality time with your partner may get pushed to the bottom of the list. Having the energy and the time for sex may seem like a distant memory, particularly if your partner has just had a baby or you're going through the terrible twos.

But even if you're not having sex that often, you still have to make sure your relationship is sexually respectful.

• You both show each other love and respect in all areas of your lives you share together
  
• Both of you feel able to talk about sex and your feelings about sex with each other
  
• Neither of you ever intentionally does something which will make the other feel inadequate or anxious sexually – and if you do so unintentionally, you are able to talk about it and understand how each other feels
  
• If you need to, you both agree to stick to rules or boundaries for your sex life which you have both worked out together , or you find you have naturally done this without having to discuss it
  
• You both feel able to ask for different things in your sex life without feeling hurt or sulking if the other one doesn’t want to do the same things
  
• Both of you feel able to say “no” to sex or specific things in sex without worrying about the consequences
  
• Neither of you does things to make the other feel bad if they don’t want sex or to do particular things

Talking doesn’t always solve every problem but it can help you both to enjoy sex if you can talk about it with each other. This means you get to say what you think, want, feel but also that you have to really listen to your partner’s feelings too.

This is supposed to be fun of course! So find a time when you can talk in private, if that’s possible – make sure the children are in bed on time, turn off the TV, and try to make some time just for the two of you. In a respectful relationship where you both trust each other, you can decide how much or how little to tell each other, where and when, as you won’t feel afraid of the consequences if one of you wants something the other doesn’t. Most often the difficulties will be finding the right words or trying to ask for something to change without hurting your partner’s feelings.

You may have made your partner feel she has to go along with everything and anything you suggest,  or to pretend she’s enjoying something she really isn’t. This will mean you don’t really know if she’s enjoying herself or not, and is likely to mean she isn’t enjoying sex with you.

 You probably already know that sex is better when the two people are both enjoying – they’re both more likely to want to try something new or do something again and be genuinely turned. This is something you probably want from your partner – it’s definitely more of a turn on to have sex with someone who is actually turned on and wants what you want than to have sex with someone who secretly doesn’t.

• Women pretty much always like men more when they aren’t scared of them
  
• Women fancy men more when they aren’t scared
  
• Women enjoy sex more with men they aren’t scared of
  
• Women get more adventurous and turned on when they are enjoying sex
  
• You can’t force a woman to stop being scared of you. If she’s scared of you now, that may never go away and that’s just something you will have to live with and hopefully learn from. She may eventually stop being scared but you will have to do a lot of work to get there. If you want to save this relationship, it’s got to be worth it, hasn’t it? Even if this relationship comes to an end, you can try to learn the lessons for next time.

What all of this means is that women and men both get better sex when the relationship is based on mutual respect and trust and when there is no fear or violence or threats.