So how do you make contact?

How you sort out contact will depend on what has happened in the past. You may want this situation to be sorted out immediately but it is likely to take some time. Your children may need this time to get used to a new situation or there may be other reasons for delays. Try to be patient. Use the information here to help you to think about what might be going on for your child and to see things from their point of view whilst you try to sort things out to have contact with them.

If you and your ex are able to talk to each other civilly, you may be able to arrange contact between you without involving anyone else. Don’t use this method if there has been any abuse or violence in the relationship (one of you is likely to be fearful of the other), or if you and your ex cannot speak to each other civilly – no matter whose fault this situation is, you won’t be able to arrange things without someone else to help.

If you've lived with your children until recently, or have been in contact with your ex, but you don’t think you can arrange the contact between you, there are two main possibilities: using a mediator and going directly to court. Even if you use a mediator you may still need to go to court to get an official decision made by a neutral third party.

If you haven't been involved for a long time, or if you don't know where they are, you may need to use a specialist service to help you. However, you must first consider and be honest with yourself about any reasons your ex-partner may have for wanting to keep away from you. Even if you have never used violence against their mum or your child, they may still have a good reason for not wanting contact with you and you should read the other pages on this website to think about this. If you still decide to go ahead, you can then ask a solicitor to make contact with them, to ask if they would like to have contact with you.

See also: Making contact after a long time away

there's a good chance that this is their reason for hiding their location from you. If you are likely to frighten your ex or your children or both by trying to track them down, DON’T do it, this will not help your relationship with your child. Instead, consider asking a solicitor or other advisor to make contact. This will let them know that you would like contact but are not going to pressurise them until they are ready for it.

See also: Making contact after violence

Mediation uses a neutral third party who is a trained, skilled mediator to help you and your ex-partner discuss the possible arrangements for child contact.

• Contact Relate, the not-for-profit counselling and mediation service with branches across England, Wales and Northern Ireland. They can provide you with more information and put you in touch with a local branch. http://www.relate.org.uk/
  
• Contact Relationships Scotland, a not-for-profit counselling and mediation service in Scotland. They can provide you with more information and put you in touch with a local branch. http://www.relationships-scotland.org.uk/

If you don’t think that mediation would help, you can contact a family lawyer straight away and ask them to apply for child contact through the courts. There are very many family lawyers who can help you to make an application for child contact to the courts.

Resolution (http://www.resolution.org.uk/) are the umbrella organisation for 5000 family lawyers, and their website is a good place to start your search.

Resolution also have an online advice centre and http://www.resolution.org.uk/landing-two-cols.asp?page_id=21

After you've made your application, the court will then appoint a specialist officer, called a CAFCASS officer, to assess the situation neutrally and prepare a report on what the circumstances are and recommendations for the future, based on what is best for your child. CAFCASS stands for Children and Family Court Advisory Support Service. You can find out more about the legal positions (and about what will happen if and when you apply to court) from the CAFCASS website

Remember, very few applications for child contact are refused. You may have heard stuff in the news about absent parents whose applications for child contact are refused – this is extremely rare, and only happens when the parent is likely to be a risk to the child, emotionally or physically, or unable to care for them safely. Talk honestly to your solicitor and don’t hide any facts.

DON’T try to make contact directly with your child without your ex-partner’s consent. This will only make things worse. Your child may be afraid of you or not want to hurt your feelings or feel very confused or not know how to deal with the situation. If your ex partner is not allowing you to send messages or phone or send letters, you can ask your solicitor for help with this. They may be able to send the letters for you, via your ex-partner’s solicitor or the courts. It can be very frustrating for you and seem like a very long time to wait but it isn’t going to help if you get agitated.

If your ex-partner is afraid (or potentially afraid) of you because you have used violence or abuse against them, your children are also very likely to be afraid of you (see 'the effects of domestic violence on the children'). This may mean that you should start with indirect or supervised contact only. Ask your solicitor to apply for indirect contact, possibly using our 1-2-1 contact service. 1-2-1 is a fantastic, safe, way for you to make intial contact. You can chat, play games with your kids and send gifts, all in a 100% secure on-line environment.

If you want your children to start to trust you again, showing them that you understand that they may not want to see you just yet is an important step in the right direction – in time they will probably want to have direct contact, don’t despair.

In the mean time, use Dads-space.com to prepare for the contact when you eventually get it – there are plenty of suggestions here to keep you going.