After a break up has settled it's only natural that after a while you'll start getting the itch for a new partner (rather than from a new partner, hopefully). But after you've met that 'special someone' and are sure that it's going to be a stable relationship, you're going to want to tell your kids. But how do you do it?
There are wide ranging views about how to introduce new partners to your children and what to tell them about your relationships. When children find out about new partners there might be lots of problems to face:
- They can feel jealous and displaced
- They may feel their loyalty to their mum is being strained
- You and she may have different ideas about child care and parenting and this may disrupt your own relationship
- They might simply not get on with your new partner
- They might start trying to sabotage your relationship due to the above
- Even in a best case scenario, they may get attached to your new partner and then be upset if you split up
It’s a bloody minefield and it's why many people keep new partners separate from the kids until they get marriage-level serious. Although this can be a bit of a bombshell to drop, and it may feel like a strange way to live – compartmentalising your life and not having either your children or new partner see the whole of your life. Not to mention thepractical difficulties you may run into keeping them separate.
If you, your new partner and your kids do all get on, there are great advantages to integrating your relationships and parenting. Your new partner may offer plenty of support and fun for.
Once you've made your mind up to tell them, how do you do it? Well, surprise, surprise - there are no right answers – but really you only have two options:
- The softly softly approach - Let the children meet her first as a friend, so they can get to know her. Don’t sleep together, kiss etc when you have the kids. See how it goes. Eventually they will ask you outright about your relationship when and if they feel ready.
- The brutal truth - Be honest and clear with the children about your relationship, and deal with whatever questions they may have. This does not include involving them inappropriately in adult issues though; they don’t need, or want, to be aware of your sex life or to have to look after you emotionally.
When you do tell the children about a new partner explain that this doesn’t affect your love for them or your relationship with them. Don’t push step–parenting roles faster than the children can handle – let them emerge organically. And don’t expect the children to find it easy. They will need a lot of reassurance as well as firm boundaries to contain them as they get used to the new set-up. Even if it all goes brilliantly, remember that they'll still want special time with just you.
Good luck!