Understanding Your Kids Emotions

While they may be talking tough or trying not to show it, your kids will be affected by your separation. No amount of toys or trips to the zoo or viewings of High School Musical will change the fact that what they really need is to talk to you openly about how they feel.

Anger, regret, guilt, coldness – your children will be feeling some similar emotions to you, although probably not at the same time. They’ll also be feeling lonely and abandoned – they might well be thinking that you and your ex don’t love them anymore and that the separation was their fault.
It’s also not unusual for them to blame one parent (often the parent who’s moved out) so you need to make sure that they understand the situation. Kids can often start ‘acting out’ to disguise their feelings.

• Eating problems
• Poor behaviour
• Aggression or depression
• Problems with friends
• Poor school work

If this happens, it’s important that you give them plenty of attention and try to get to the root of the problem. Acknowledging the difficulties of the situation and giving them praise when they get things right can often help a lot.

You need to make it clear in everything you say and do that it’s not the case – that you do love them and that it’s not their fault.
Not seeing the children for a while after the separation might help you and your ex but your kids might think you aren’t interested in them. you need to keep talking and listening to them, and let them know you love them. Be careful not to overload them with ‘adult’ emotions as this will be confusing for them. Don’t use your kids as confidants or as a go-between for you and your partner, as this may make them feel like they have to pick a side.

So while seeing them for the first time in a while may be extremely emotional for you, make sure they know how happy you are to see them. You also need to let them know that you can’t always understand how they feel, and that they might want to talk to someone outside the family – a youth worker or helplines can help here.

Kids may refuse to believe what has happened and try to get you and your ex back together. This can be a dangerous. Think about how they’re going to feel when they fail to do it. The only way you can avoid this is to be extremely consistant and clear about the situation, and not to give them false hope. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, or threats you won’t carry out.

You need to understand what’s going through your kids minds, and the only way to do that is by communicating with them. Make sure you give them plenty of time to talk about how they feel, and try to reassure them. Don’t lie to them about the chances of you and your ex getting back together though – it’ll make things harder for them in the long run.