There’s huge advantages to sorting out child contact yourselves – primarily it’s cheaper than using lawyers and you retain more control. On the other hand it isn’t easy trying to negotiate while all the hot feelings are swirling around inside you and you can always try family mediation which if this doesn’t work out. Here’s 10 helpful tips…
1. First rule of working out parenting agreements is that you have to leave out all discussion of – well pretty much everything! Things you can’t talk about are:
- Why you split, fault and blame
- Financial and material arrangements – they are a separate negotiation that should be clearly delineated – you can’t use contact to get leverage in financial negotiations.
- What each of you are doing now
- Any of your feelings at all
And you can barely even touch on explanations of why you think your proposals are fair or desirable except to clarify issues your ex really might not have thought of.
2. Second rule is that children’s interests come first - although you will both have very different ideas of what’s best for them. You might start by considering roughly what roles each of you have played so far in their lives and what role they need you to play in the future. Then add in what you want and issues about your own convenience etc. Both come up with proposals on the basis of this and begin from there.
3. Think very carefully before asking the children what they want – they will be swayed more by issues of wanting to look after whoever they see as the injured party, anger towards one or both of you and divided loyalties as they will by having any sense of what is in their interests. If they are old enough to have a say, consider getting a trusted third party to talk with them – explain that you want them to be free to tell this person what they want without feeling worried about upsetting you or mum – that the decision will still finally be made by the adults but you’d like to take into consideration their wishes. The younger children are they less they will have the capacity to think hypothetically about future contact and residence options and the better it is to simply explain your plans when you have agreed upon them. It can put children in a horrible situation to have to choose between you.
4. There are lots of possibilities for contact – from shared residence – 50:50, to them having a primary carer and contact every other weekend and part of the holidays, to their having only day contact with the with the secondary carer. What is possible will depend alot on the age and attachments of the children and on practicalities like whether you both have suitable places for them to stay and distance from schools etc. As a rough guide younger children may need to have shorter periods of separation from primary carers and this might be extended from under a day to a couple of weeks as they grow from babies towards their teens.
If aiming at something close to shared residence then start by drawing out a two week grid and plot the range of options you have (see another part of dadspace for examples).
5. It will help if , as part of your negotiations, you can agree a version of events for the children. Keep it simple, honest and blame-free. Explain that you could not live happily together and that in the long run you hope you will happier separately – always reiterating it isn’t the children’s fault and both of you still love them dearly. Consider giving them explanations and answering their questions together so that you aren’t tempted to try and get them to take sides.
6. Be flexible where you can and hold firm boundaries where you have to.
7. Remember that there are many peripheral issues to agree and more will arise as time goes on – school plays and visits, birthdays and Christmas etc are all special cases which will lie outside of the main agreement.
8. Allow for review – is this working for you and the children? If not go back to the drawing board.
9. Try to be flexible and accommodating where you can.
10. Be reliable – if you make agreements and don’t stick to them your children will suffer endless disappointments and your ex will cease to trust you. Every time you don’t keep your word you loose the power of your word – both in negotiations and with your kids.
If you are both reliable and accommodating you will find this process gets easier and easier over the years and that it can be a gift to be part time doing child-care and part time ‘free agent’ allowing you to do both with greater focus and pleasure.