Who’s leaving who?

Are you leaving? Is your partner leaving? Depending on the circumstances, you'll probably be feeling very different emotions...

Most Men don’t initiate separation. In 2007, more than two thirds of all divorces were granted to wives. If your partner’s left you, you might well feel like you’re drowning while they seem to be getting on with their lives.

Chances are, your partner had been considering separation for quite some time, and they’ve probably already experienced the emotions you’re going through before they left.

Both the dumper and the dumped will have intense feelings, but at different times. In the diagram below, you can see that the party doing the dumping will feel most distressed before the split, and calmer after, while the dumped party will be relatively calm before the split, before suddenly being thrust into intense distress.

Some men find it difficult to accept that the relationship is over, and may misinterpret friendliness from their ex-partner as a sign that the relationship might be fixable. This can set off a chain of events that can easily end in more distress and arguments.

In order to avoid falling into this trap, some guys find it easier to draw a significant line under the relationship before resuming contact with their ex.

This can involve:

• Restricting contact (one call a week for example)
  
• Avoiding sexual contact
  
• Avoiding comforting behaviour

It’s harsh, but remember, there’s no evidence that they want to get back with you unless the explicitly say so. It can take a really long time, years even, for you to form a friendship with your ex, so don’t expect it to happen overnight.

If it was you that left your partner, you’ll probably have feelings of guilt, shame or anger. But remember, it’s probably not all your fault, as one person is rarely solely to blame for the end of a relationship.

If you’ve been left, it’s extremely easy to blame your ex, as it dulls the pain. But if you let these feelings consume you, you can end up spending all your time looking back rather than forward – in the long run this will make recovery from the split difficult.

No matter who was responsible for the end of the relationship, you’ll both have a lot of healing to do. Try not to play the blame game and concentrate on looking forward.